Muscle Beats Metal - The Bloody Nipple Saga

In the fashion of Shamus Young's DM of the Ring and David Morgan-Mar (et al)'s Darths and Droids, I bring you The Bloody Nipple Saga.

We find our gamers starting a new adventure with no story, no planning, and a scant understanding of the rules. Just like most people do.

I've been a big fan of the film Conan the Barbarian going on 20 years now. I've also been looking for an excuse to do a film-to-RPG parody for a while. I finally concluded that I could put to good use those wasted hours of watching the same film.

For those who know the film, you'll notice that I didn't start with Conan's back story. Not to worry; it won't be left out.

Transcript:

Scene: Conan sitting outside

Conan:That should do it for equipment. How does it look?

DM:You spent everything on cheap jewelry?

Conan:And furry boots.

DM:You rolled a fighter, and double-specialized in bastard sword. Don't you want to get, you know, a sword? Or armor?

Conan:I rolled 50 gold. I'm not going to waste that when I can punch through monsters with my 18/82 strength.

DM:Okay. Fine. I can look up unarmed combat.

Conan:Where do I start?

Scene: Conan and gladiator facing each other.

DM:Let's try this. You're in a gladiator ring, facing off to a masked warrior, who gazes at you with an animal-like instinct for blood. In the code of the gladiators, he enters the ring equipped like you.

DM:He relishes the crowd's cheers, bearing his sharpened teeth.

Conan:Can I buy a bastard sword now?

DM:Roll for initiative.